Chuck Eckerman and Linda Doria Eckerman

A judgment for dissolution of marriage or domestic partnership does not end your responsibility as a parent. Parents are forever. Both parents should make every attempt to not only be an integral part in their children’s lives, but also allow the other parent to do so. It is vital to children’s development to feel that they have two parents who love them, and even though the parents could not live happily with each other, they support their children’s feelings and their relationships with the other parent.

By following logical guidelines, you will minimize or even eliminate the damage to your children that could easily be caused by a dissolution.

 Guidelines for Parents

1. 1. As long as you have minor children, you will have the other parent in your life. You need to have a means of basic communication with the other parent which does not place the children in an uncomfortable position.

    

   2. Refrain from voicing criticism of the other parent, no matter how difficult this is to do. For a child’s healthy development and mental well being it is necessary to respect both parents.

    

   3. Continuing anger or bitterness toward your former partner can injure your children permanently. Try to remember that the feelings you show with your body language and your manner of speech are as important as the words you use.

    

   4. When you are having trouble trying to get along with the other parent, try to remember the best parts of the times you spent together. Focusing on good memories can help you to overlook bad feelings.  

    

   5. Don’t make your child choose between you and the other parent. Placing a child in the middle and trying to make him or her feel guilty for viewing the other parent positively seriously damages the child’s psychological well-being.

    

   6. Marriage breakdown is always hard on the children. Parents should be direct and simple in answering their questions about what is happening and why. Unpleasant events need explanation, which should be brief, prompt, direct, age-appropriate and honest.

    

   7. Assure your children that they are not to blame for the breakup. Children often feel that they have done something to cause the problems. Small children may feel that some secret wish or thought of theirs has caused the trouble between their parents. 

    

   8. Dissolution of a marriage often leads to financial pressures on both parents. When there is a financial crisis the parents’ first impulse may be to keep the children from realizing it. Often, they would rather make sacrifices themselves. The atmosphere is healthier when there is frankness and children understand. Simply explain that when one household becomes two households it’s harder to meet expenses. 

    

   9. Try not to upset a child’s routine whenever possible. Children need a sense of continuity; it is difficult for them to cope with too many changes at once. Separated parents should communicate frankly and directly with each other on disciplinary issues in order to provide consistent rules and limits for the children. 

    

   10. The guilt parents feel about the marriage breakdown may interfere in the children’s discipline. Over-permissiveness, indecisiveness and lack of follow through interfere with the children’s healthy development. Children need consistent control and direction.

    

   11. The other parent’s parenting time should be pleasant not only for the children, but for both parents. This time should help your children maintain a good relationship with their other parent, and give you some needed time to yourself.

    

   12. Be timely with your parenting schedule and inform the other parent when you cannot adhere to it. Missing time with the children without notifying the other parent may cause the children to feel rejected. Being late for exchanging the children is inconsiderate; dependability and punctuality are owed by each parent to the children and to the other parent.  

    

   13. Both parents may need to adjust the visitation schedule from time to time. Smaller adjustments such as last-minute schedule changes for emergencies, or schedule adjustments that are agreed to by both parents well in advance are not uncommon. Too many missed visits and schedule changes for one parent’s convenience or unpredictable whims, however, is detrimental to the children. 

    

   14. Often parents who have less custody time will feel they need to plan elaborate activities for the children. Remember that the parent’s involvement with the children is more important than anything else. Constant activities, special treats and gifts, without good attention and communication, will give the children the wrong idea about your role in their lives. 

    

   15. Your time with the children should not be used to check on the other parent. The children should never be pumped for this kind of information; this turns them into little spies, and is a cruel way to treat your children.

    

   16. Please remember that everything you do that involves your children or the other parent has an effect on your children. If you base all of your decision-making on this premise, you will be giving your children a precious gift. 

    

    

    

    

    

    

by Linda Doria Eckerman