Chuck Eckerman and Linda Doria Eckerman

Termination of a marriage or domestic partnership can have a negative effect on your physical and mental health, and the effects are witnessed and sometimes even shared by the children. It is crucial that you take care of yourself and also your children. Some basic suggestions are:

• Try to maintain your routines and your children’s routines as much as you are able. Ease into any necessary new routines and living situations if possible.
• Avoid isolating yourself from people; build a support group and nourish your friendships already in place.
• Provide, and also eat, a balanced diet, get proper exercise and take time to have fun both with and without the children.
• Do not pry, but be aware of your children’s moods and feelings about their new lives, and be open for conversation whenever they approach you with the need to talk.
• Remind your children of your love.
• Don’t allow your stress or anger to affect your treatment of your children.
• Tell the children that your problems with the other parent are not their fault and make them understand that it is not their responsibility to alleviate them.
• Be respectful of your former spouse when speaking to your children.
• Be emotionally available to comfort them. Even if there has been much conflict in the home, children may grieve over the loss of the leaving parent.
• If the children express hope for reconciliation, which is not uncommon for children to do, gently tell them that this is not planned, but that they are loved and valued by both parents and the breakup will not change that.

Most parents are dealing with their own feelings of doubt, grief, shame, fear, anger, relief. They may project their feelings onto their children. Your children have different relationships, experiences and needs, and most of the time their feelings toward the other parent are very different from yours.  No matter how you feel about the other parent, it is vitally important that you do not place your child in the position of choosing allegiance.

Dissolution is a loss of the lives your children have known. Absent domestic violence situations or excessive fighting between the parents, the child will mourn the loss of their former life.

Your children may show evidence of anger and resentment to you and/or the other parent for destroying their sense of normalcy. This is an appropriate response to their loss. Although it may seem difficult, you can help your children through this.

• Give them opportunities to express their feelings openly and without judging them.
• Listen to your children, but do not react to their anger with displays of your own anger or by taking it personally.
• Resist the urge to try to fix situations that are not fixable, but let them know that you understand their pain.

  To help your children cope with anxiety, you can:

• Listen patiently as they express their fears and worries, even if they repeat them over and over again.
• Respond honestly and supportively to their concerns. If their worries are well founded and may occur, acknowledge that fact as gently as possible.
• Provide as much stability, security and consistency as possible. An anxious child often appreciates a consistent routine, seeing familiar people and going to regularly visited places.
• Provide choices for children whenever possible. This will help to re-establish a sense of control over their lives.

Prolonged anxiety can create additional problems and is sometimes associated with depression.  If they have become depressed, they may withdraw from their parents and/or other loved ones. Watch for these warning signs of divorce-related depression or anxiety:

• Normally playful children may become unreceptive or secretive.
• Exhibiting feelings of worthlessness, making comments about being stupid or unimportant.
• Poor grooming, progressive disorder in a formerly neat child’s room.
• Prolonged withdrawal from people or moodiness, disinterest in favorite activities.
• Fear or avoidance of normally safe people, places and things, or crying and separation anxiety when leaving family members or friends.
• Unwillingness to go to bed, difficulty falling asleep, waking up in the middle of the night, nightmares, reoccurring bedwetting, refusal to wake up in the morning.
• Chronic forgetfulness, missed homework assignments, steady decline or sudden drop in grades.
• Excessive frustration, frequent angry outbursts, fights with friends or siblings, yelling at parents
• Drug or alcohol abuse.
• Sexual promiscuity.
• Self-injury, cutting.
• Talk about or making plans to end his/her life, or suicide attempts. Immediately contact a suicide prevention organization or a mental health organization in your area.

If you suspect depression, you should keep lines of communication between your child and yourself open, keep telling your children that the divorce is not their fault and that they are loved.  Also, promote physical activity. This is one of the best ways to combat stress and depression.  If depression continues, seek professional help. Short-term therapy can help children deal with depression and correct false perceptions about themselves and life.

Children also need skills to manage stress and cope with situations over which they have no control. Problem solving skills can help them adjust to the issues of divorced families. Additional skills and support may come from relatives, family friends, teachers or school counselors.

by Linda Doria Eckerman