When you go through the process of divorce, expect money to be tight. Don’t think you are going to be able to maintain your present lifestyle, because there are now two households living on the same income that previously supported one household.

Try to work with your spouse to keep the cost of your divorce as low as you can. Unless your former spouse is completely unreasonable or vindictive, the two of you can control how much your divorce will cost. If you have a spouse with whom you can communicate and from whom you will receive reciprocal cooperation, keep the lines of communication open whenever possible, and be forthcoming with information necessary to complete all of the paperwork required during a divorce action. You may be able to save a lot of money by using the local court facilitator’s office, or hiring a paralegal or legal document assistant to prepare all of the paperwork.

If you are close to agreement but cannot work out specifics, you may wish to hire an attorney who is also a mediator. If there is disagreement on issues and you and your spouse cannot work them out, it is good to have your own attorney to represent your interests.

Mingled finances are trouble in divorce. Cut or minimize joint accounts you have with your spouse the minute the divorce action is underway. Cancel all credit cards with both parties’ names and get new ones in your name alone.

Make sure you have information on everything that will affect your financial future. Even if you trust your spouse completely, get a credit report so you are certain you know the extent of your debt. Calculate how much child support will be needed to cover food, housing, day care, clothes, school supplies and activities, and other expenses. Get written confirmation from your spouse’s employer of your spouse’s retirement account, bonuses, and stock options. Have a good idea of your spouse’s income potential by researching what his or her profession pays for similar experience, and what benefits are typical.

Make your own list of all assets, have copies of current statements from all bank accounts, investment funds and pension plans. Get your information together at the earliest possible time, particularly if there are a number of financial items to be decided, so you don’t burn money in legal fees; reviewing disorganized paperwork is time consuming and escalates them. California is a community property state, which means assets acquired during the marriage by either spouse, unless stated otherwise in writing, is community property, and will be divided equally. Exception: Anything you owned prior to marriage, or anything that was a gift or inheritance during marriage is your separate property unless you have agreed in writing that it is not. Example of items that could be on your list of assets:

Assets- Community

• Real estate

• Vehicles

• Boats

• Investments: stocks, bonds, mutual funds

• Stock options

• Retirement plans (each spouse is entitled to half of anything accrued during the marriage)

• Community businesses & their assets (same as retirement plans – half during marriage)

• Savings accounts, CDs

• Cash value life insurance policies

• Tax refunds

• Frequent flier miles

• Un-repaid loans to others

• Artwork or antiques

• Collectibles

• Tools

Assets – Separate

• Inheritance from a relative or friend

• Valuables received as gifts during the marriage (e.g. diamond earrings for anniversary)

• Real or personal property purchased prior to the marriage

If there’s disagreement about one or more items, you might think about each spouse taking certain items in exchange for others. For example, the wife may take the car and furniture and the husband may take the truck and tools. There may be items neither wants; these can be sold and the proceeds divided.

Don’t willingly give up what you have a right to, especially if you have custody of children, since your financial situation directly impacts them as well. You must stay aware of the issues and be sure your attorney, if you have one, is fully cognizant of your financial needs.

If you gave up a career to be a stay at home parent, it could be difficult to get a good job, especially if you are leaving a long-term marriage. Take into consideration what it will cost and how long it will take to become marketable in today’s work force.

Parties normally pay their own legal fees and court costs upfront. When the incomes of the parties are very different, however, it is commonplace for a judge to order the higher earning spouse to pay all or a portion of the legal costs of the other spouse. If your spouse has unquestionably higher income, you need to ensure that your attorney requests an attorney fee award from the court.

If there are children involved, their well-being should be both parents’ primary concern. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. A high percentage of court-ordered child support is not paid, and much that is paid is not paid in full. If child support is part of your divorce agreement, you are legally and morally obligated to pay it. Likewise, withholding of visitation rights cannot be used as a weapon to try to force a non-paying parent to make support payments; the court will uphold the position of the parent being denied visitation.

If you and your spouse battle over custody of the children there will be many additional costs in your divorce. You may incur fees related to custody evaluations, an attorney for your child(ren), and possibly expert witnesses. Not to mention that a custody battle means more work for your attorney, who will no doubt bill you by the hour.

You must be willing to negotiate on contested issues. Remember, equitable does not mean equal; it means fair and reasonable. The legal strategy of your attorney and your spouse’s attorney is vital to your costs in divorce. If your attorney advises that standing unbending on an issue isn’t worth the cost, you should consider this advice seriously. If your attorney insists on an unnecessarily adversarial approach, you can fire your attorney and move on to one who is willing to fight for your legal rights in a reasonable manner. If your spouse’s attorney is unnecessarily adversarial or aggressive and it is possible to speak calmly with your spouse, point out that this will not make things any cheaper or easier for either of you.

If possible, pay off all of the community debts immediately from community assets. This leaves both of you able to start your new lives debt-free. If this is not possible, you can agree to take responsibility for the debts in exchange for receiving more assets from the division of your property. Do not agree to let your spouse take responsibility for the debts unless you feel absolutely certain he/she will pay them. Remember that you can be held responsible for any debt in both names if your spouse defaults on his/her payment.

Divorce can bring out the worst in some people, and you need to be aware that even the most honest of people may try to bend things their way when it comes to settling up financially in a divorce, by under-reporting income, asking an employer to delay a large bonus or salary increase, etc. Most vulnerable are those whose spouse is self-employed. If this person claims to earn far less than you think is fact, it is necessary to propound discovery. You can have him/her served with documents demanding disclosure, or if you don’t trust him or her to fully disclose assets, you can have a third party or entity served with documents requesting records in its control which relate to some of your former spouse’s assets.

When your divorce is final and assets have been legally divided, change names on house deeds, stocks and bonds, and car titles, as necessary. Change beneficiaries on investments, retirement plans, life insurance policies, and savings accounts. Update your will. Check your credit report to make sure your spouse hasn’t incurred debts in your name since your divorce or separation. Taking a few precautions and educating yourself can reduce the financial impact on you and your children.

• Try to maintain your routines and your children’s routines as much as you are able. Ease into any necessary new routines and living situations if possible.
• Avoid isolating yourself from people; build a support group and nourish your friendships already in place.
• Provide, and also eat, a balanced diet, get proper exercise and take time to have fun both with and without the children.
• Do not pry, but be aware of your children’s moods and feelings about their new lives, and be open for conversation whenever they approach you with the need to talk.
• Remind your children of your love.
• Don’t allow your stress or anger to affect your treatment of your children.
• Tell the children that your problems with the other parent are not their fault and make them understand that it is not their responsibility to alleviate them.
• Be respectful of your former spouse when speaking to your children.
• Be emotionally available to comfort them. Even if there has been much conflict in the home, children may grieve over the loss of the leaving parent.
• If the children express hope for reconciliation, which is not uncommon for children to do, gently tell them that this is not planned, but that they are loved and valued by both parents and the breakup will not change that.

Most parents are dealing with their own feelings of doubt, grief, shame, fear, anger, relief. They may project their feelings onto their children. Your children have different relationships, experiences and needs, and most of the time their feelings toward the other parent are very different from yours.  No matter how you feel about the other parent, it is vitally important that you do not place your child in the position of choosing allegiance.

Dissolution is a loss of the lives your children have known. Absent domestic violence situations or excessive fighting between the parents, the child will mourn the loss of their former life.

Your children may show evidence of anger and resentment to you and/or the other parent for destroying their sense of normalcy. This is an appropriate response to their loss. Although it may seem difficult, you can help your children through this.

• Give them opportunities to express their feelings openly and without judging them.
• Listen to your children, but do not react to their anger with displays of your own anger or by taking it personally.
• Resist the urge to try to fix situations that are not fixable, but let them know that you understand their pain.

  To help your children cope with anxiety, you can:

• Listen patiently as they express their fears and worries, even if they repeat them over and over again.
• Respond honestly and supportively to their concerns. If their worries are well founded and may occur, acknowledge that fact as gently as possible.
• Provide as much stability, security and consistency as possible. An anxious child often appreciates a consistent routine, seeing familiar people and going to regularly visited places.
• Provide choices for children whenever possible. This will help to re-establish a sense of control over their lives.

Prolonged anxiety can create additional problems and is sometimes associated with depression.  If they have become depressed, they may withdraw from their parents and/or other loved ones. Watch for these warning signs of divorce-related depression or anxiety:

• Normally playful children may become unreceptive or secretive.
• Exhibiting feelings of worthlessness, making comments about being stupid or unimportant.
• Poor grooming, progressive disorder in a formerly neat child’s room.
• Prolonged withdrawal from people or moodiness, disinterest in favorite activities.
• Fear or avoidance of normally safe people, places and things, or crying and separation anxiety when leaving family members or friends.
• Unwillingness to go to bed, difficulty falling asleep, waking up in the middle of the night, nightmares, reoccurring bedwetting, refusal to wake up in the morning.
• Chronic forgetfulness, missed homework assignments, steady decline or sudden drop in grades.
• Excessive frustration, frequent angry outbursts, fights with friends or siblings, yelling at parents
• Drug or alcohol abuse.
• Sexual promiscuity.
• Self-injury, cutting.
• Talk about or making plans to end his/her life, or suicide attempts. Immediately contact a suicide prevention organization or a mental health organization in your area.

If you suspect depression, you should keep lines of communication between your child and yourself open, keep telling your children that the divorce is not their fault and that they are loved.  Also, promote physical activity. This is one of the best ways to combat stress and depression.  If depression continues, seek professional help. Short-term therapy can help children deal with depression and correct false perceptions about themselves and life.

Children also need skills to manage stress and cope with situations over which they have no control. Problem solving skills can help them adjust to the issues of divorced families. Additional skills and support may come from relatives, family friends, teachers or school counselors.

A judgment for dissolution of marriage or domestic partnership does not end your responsibility as a parent. Parents are forever. Both parents should make every attempt to not only be an integral part in their children’s lives, but also allow the other parent to do so. It is vital to children’s development to feel that they have two parents who love them, and even though the parents could not live happily with each other, they support their children’s feelings and their relationships with the other parent.

By following logical guidelines, you will minimize or even eliminate the damage to your children that could easily be caused by a dissolution.

 Guidelines for Parents

1. 1. As long as you have minor children, you will have the other parent in your life. You need to have a means of basic communication with the other parent which does not place the children in an uncomfortable position.

    

   2. Refrain from voicing criticism of the other parent, no matter how difficult this is to do. For a child’s healthy development and mental well being it is necessary to respect both parents.

    

   3. Continuing anger or bitterness toward your former partner can injure your children permanently. Try to remember that the feelings you show with your body language and your manner of speech are as important as the words you use.

    

   4. When you are having trouble trying to get along with the other parent, try to remember the best parts of the times you spent together. Focusing on good memories can help you to overlook bad feelings.  

    

   5. Don’t make your child choose between you and the other parent. Placing a child in the middle and trying to make him or her feel guilty for viewing the other parent positively seriously damages the child’s psychological well-being.

    

   6. Marriage breakdown is always hard on the children. Parents should be direct and simple in answering their questions about what is happening and why. Unpleasant events need explanation, which should be brief, prompt, direct, age-appropriate and honest.

    

   7. Assure your children that they are not to blame for the breakup. Children often feel that they have done something to cause the problems. Small children may feel that some secret wish or thought of theirs has caused the trouble between their parents. 

    

   8. Dissolution of a marriage often leads to financial pressures on both parents. When there is a financial crisis the parents’ first impulse may be to keep the children from realizing it. Often, they would rather make sacrifices themselves. The atmosphere is healthier when there is frankness and children understand. Simply explain that when one household becomes two households it’s harder to meet expenses. 

    

   9. Try not to upset a child’s routine whenever possible. Children need a sense of continuity; it is difficult for them to cope with too many changes at once. Separated parents should communicate frankly and directly with each other on disciplinary issues in order to provide consistent rules and limits for the children. 

    

   10. The guilt parents feel about the marriage breakdown may interfere in the children’s discipline. Over-permissiveness, indecisiveness and lack of follow through interfere with the children’s healthy development. Children need consistent control and direction.

    

   11. The other parent’s parenting time should be pleasant not only for the children, but for both parents. This time should help your children maintain a good relationship with their other parent, and give you some needed time to yourself.

    

   12. Be timely with your parenting schedule and inform the other parent when you cannot adhere to it. Missing time with the children without notifying the other parent may cause the children to feel rejected. Being late for exchanging the children is inconsiderate; dependability and punctuality are owed by each parent to the children and to the other parent.  

    

   13. Both parents may need to adjust the visitation schedule from time to time. Smaller adjustments such as last-minute schedule changes for emergencies, or schedule adjustments that are agreed to by both parents well in advance are not uncommon. Too many missed visits and schedule changes for one parent’s convenience or unpredictable whims, however, is detrimental to the children. 

    

   14. Often parents who have less custody time will feel they need to plan elaborate activities for the children. Remember that the parent’s involvement with the children is more important than anything else. Constant activities, special treats and gifts, without good attention and communication, will give the children the wrong idea about your role in their lives. 

    

   15. Your time with the children should not be used to check on the other parent. The children should never be pumped for this kind of information; this turns them into little spies, and is a cruel way to treat your children.

    

   16. Please remember that everything you do that involves your children or the other parent has an effect on your children. If you base all of your decision-making on this premise, you will be giving your children a precious gift.